I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there was a trapeze. enough said
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
