So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
