guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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