No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
