ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
