as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
