My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
