Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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