just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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