i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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