Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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