I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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