@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
