Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My feet surprised me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
