in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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