don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Actions speak louder than pants.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I love you. Go after that dick
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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