never play flip cup with pint glasses
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
