I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just invented taco cereal.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
