all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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