How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
