so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
