1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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