Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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