omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My balls are so social today.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
