Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
