is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
