Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
