she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
