I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
