Don't make out with my wife yet
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
