At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
