I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
