Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
