so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
