Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We just shotgunned beers for America
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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