I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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