Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
