I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How does one acquire holy water?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
