The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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