you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
