so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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