It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
