this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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