I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
