i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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