I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
