I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
