I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
