My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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