I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Houston, we have a squirter
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
